


All the times I wanted to say I love you

by claveldelaire



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Closeted, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:35:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29101116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/claveldelaire/pseuds/claveldelaire
Summary: "Rough times at work mean rough times at home (the problem of working together)."
Relationships: Steve Murphy/Javier Peña
Comments: 20
Kudos: 27





	All the times I wanted to say I love you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mahixa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahixa/gifts).



> Well, this is something we discussed with @mahixa.  
> I wanted to experiment writing it in first person but I think it didn't work for me.
> 
> Note: I wrote this entirely on my phone, so there could be mistakes, it will be fixed as soon as I'm on my computer.

Things have been tough lately. Car bombs, entire families dead, Los Pepes, and I can go on and on.

At least I have a ray of light in my life now, something that feels permanent, a safe place to go back at night (or sometimes during work hours, cramped and rushed in a forgotten broom closet).

Steve and I have been on and off for a couple of years now but a few months back we decided we're together together. It's not like we can be out officially or go telling people publicly about us, but it's official between us. Steve's still married to Connie but she never got back from the States. She has known about us for a while now (if she wasn't the first to notice something when we were still figuring it out) and she's okay with it. She has a boyfriend in Miami now.

Rough times at work mean rough times at home (the problem of working together). We're both tired, grumpy, depressed even.

I have kept being my flirtiest self to get the things I want and that not always involves Steve. And Steve hasn't quite understood the fact that flirting with someone doesn't mean caring about that person.

At first, he tried to argue about it but I hadn't the time nor the patience to keep up with it, so after a few weeks, he changed his strategy to the one he's using today: managing his jealousy through sex. And I must say I have nothing to complain about.

Every time he gets jealous of someone he changes his slow, sweet, caring love-making for much rougher sex which I'm (not-so-secretly) very fond of.

As well as I'm still very flirty, I'm still very closed when it comes to feelings. Fortunately, that's something Steve does understand and he doesn't need to be reminded how much I care for him or how overprotective I can be of him.

But last night I had a big slip (at least from my point of view) that has both of us shocked until now in the morning.

Steve saw me holding a secretary's hand, asking her sweetly about her perfume (even though he knew I was trying to have access to a classified file) and something short-circuited inside him. He didn't look me in the eye for the rest of the day, let alone talked to me. He didn't go home after work and when he did he stank to cigarettes and alcohol and he had a black eye. It was not the first time he picked a fight in a bar with a random bloke just for the sake of it.

He took a shower and got in bed next to me, sober now.

"Can we have sex out of jealousy, please?" I asked him and he immediately was all over me.

Minutes later when he was pounding deep inside me he bit my lip and whispered: "Javi, I want you" and I blinked twice, confused because "you're literally inside me, Murphy."

He also blinked and then shook his head. His hands were around my neck but he lowered them to my arms.

"But I want you to love me, Javi," Steve said, still pushing into me with purpose.

I reckon I was not thinking straight with the heat of the moment but the "but I do" that escaped my mouth was as much of a surprise to me as it was to Steve.

He stopped his movements and searched for my eyes in the weak moonlight coming through the window.

"Javi," he said, cupping my cheek and resting his head on my shoulder. He breathed steadily for a moment before kissing me, deep and wet. He was still inside me and I moved my hips to encourage him to move too but the pace he picked had nothing to do with the previous one, much more slow and even deeper now. And after we finished he curled around my side and stroked my hair until we both got asleep.

And I know I didn't say "I love you" and I know he didn't say it either, but with different actions, we made it clear what the main feeling in our relationship is.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Did you like it?
> 
> Maybe this will became a series, who knows? Prompts are welcome on my Tumblr (claveldelaire)
> 
> Have a nice Sunday ☀️


End file.
